Humour

Items ranging from the gently ironic to the satirical

The Omid Djalili Show


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"All I've ever wanted to do is to bring world peace through stand-up comedy... and now that I've done that, I can concentrate on my new BBC ONE comedy series."

So says Omid Djalili, the stand-up whose name you might not recognise, but whose face will get you Googling quicker than Britney's latest attempt to get out of a car.

All that's set to change though. One of Britain's best comic performers and a multi-award-winning stand-up, Omid Djalili invokes the spirit of Dave Allen in his new self-penned, self-titled stand-up and sketch show.

{josquote}All I've ever wanted to do is to bring world peace through stand-up comedy... and now that I've done that, I can concentrate on my new BBC ONE comedy series.{/josquote}

The British-Iranian comedian has not only completed UK and US sell-out tours, but has also appeared in numerous Hollywood blockbusters, including Gladiator and The Mummy.

Having played everything from a camel owner to a terrorist, Omid refers to himself as the "perfect ethnic everyman bit-part specialist", but his talents extend much further than that.

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Omid's website...

Hello, N.S.A.

Hello, N.S.A.
I just called you to say
I love you because you
Really listen

Hello, N.S.A.
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...at the Hollywood Improv

My second set at the Hollywood Improv

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"Defenders of Marriage"

What's funny about war, poverty, ignorance, bigotry, neo-conservatism, homophobia, greed, lust and fear? Ask Roy Zimmerman. He's been writing satirical songs for twenty years.

The Los Angeles Times says, "Zimmerman displays a lacerating wit and keen awareness of society's foibles that bring to mind a latter-day Tom Lehrer."

Defenders of Marriage

Every time we think about same-sex marriage
It makes us sick to our guts
I mean, two people who want to commit to a stable
Monogamous life-long relationship
What are they, nuts?
It's unnatural!
Now a man should not lie with a person who is a guy
He should only lie to his wife, the bible is clear
We're —
Defenders of marriage
In three-button suits
We'll raise our double standard and see who salutes
Defenders of marriage
Defending the institution against people who want to get married

Every time we think about same-sex parents
"Oh, my gosh!" we exclaim
I mean, two people who want to provide a protective
And nurturing family environment
Have they no shame?
It's so deviant!
It's the Lord's holy word, as my second wife said to my third
That a family's based on obligation and fear
We're —
Defenders of marriage
Connubial narcs
Ever vigilant and patriotic patriarchs
Defenders of marriage
Defending the institution against people who want to get married

One summer evening when my woman was doing laundry
I shared a six-pack with an old John Bircher
And oh so wisely he imparted an ancient quandary, to ponder
He said, "It's nature versus legislature."
[Spoken] Are people born gay, or do they turn gay just to piss off Dick Armey?

We're an army of dicks
With a militant stance
Let's get the government out of our lives and into our pants
Defenders of marriage
Defending the institution against people who want to get married
And have their insurance carried
And be beneficiary'd
And be next to the ones they love when they are buried

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"That Is the War on Terror"

There's this great Popeye cartoon where he gets inside of Bluto's shirt. And he's popping out of his sleeves going, "Here I yam, Over here, Yoo hoo!" And Bluto is confused - He's going, "Hey, where'd you - why you - hmmm!" And he's trying to beat up Popeye, and he ends up pummeling himself.

And that...is the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror - yeah, that's the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror

There's this old joke where a guy is walking home late at night. He sees another guy under a street light, searching frantically in the gutter. He says, "Hey man, what did you lose?" - The guy says, "I dropped my keys about six blocks away." He says, "Why aren't you looking over there?" - The guy says, "The light's better over here."

And that...is the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror - yeah, that's the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror

We've got a vacuum cleaner on sale
Oh, I'm so sorry but we're out of that model

But I can probably get you out the door
For two hundred billion, more or less, probably more
With a model we call Preemptive War
That leaves your floor dirtier than before

There's that great quote about war, and I'm trying to remember who said it. That the people can always be brought to do the bidding of the leaders. You just tell them they're under attack, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, now who said that? - Oh yeah, it was Herman Goering

And that is the War on Terror - yeah, that's the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror - That's the War on Terror
That is the War on Terror - Here I yam!
That is the War on Terror - Over here!
Uck uck uck uck uck uck uck...!

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