Ponderlust: Practicing patience in the Valley of Search

“There are resources to help you change.”

“I’m not sure I want to change,” I say quietly, as if it were really an option.

The stapled print out of religious verses on chastity and obedience, with their implications of lifelong repression, feel heavy in my clenched hand.

I need time and space to think. The picnic table is constricting me. The best I can muster in one of life’s defining moments is, “I’m not sure.” But I am sure.

{josquote}...Bahá’ís may sometimes use Bahá’í law to justify their homophobia, instead of working to root it out...{/josquote}

The prior fall I had read a passage from the Bahá’í Writings at a 9/11 memorial service. It advised: “In the garden of thy heart plant naught but the rose of love, and from the nightingale of affection and desire loosen not thy hold.”

Something grew in my big gay heart all right: a hard queer crush on the dreamy, androgynous senior photo editor of my college paper.

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